The Blog of Tamarah Rockwood

Setting Boundaries as a Christian

This is one of those topics that will be fretted over in private and discussed in groups for as many years as there stars in the sky. As a Christian, we are called to share compassion and give to those who need help; you know, honestly it isn't even that specific. We are simply asked by Jesus to love each other, and that was the big broad stroke commandment of the New Testament. Just love each other. Stop bickering, stop fighting, stop judging the less fortunate and turn around and love them.

Some of us are CLEARLY better at this than others: Mother Theresa was obviously a master at this. Mother Angelica (link, if you've never heard of her) is pretty spot on with how to treat people. Fred Rogers will always be known as one of the nicest men to ever have lived. So, these are some examples off the top of my head who we can look to as loving people; but on a day to day basis, sometimes we can encounter situations that go against the grain of "nice." It would be naive to think we will never encounter someone who has a large dose of entitlement and requires enormous amounts of time/energy/financial support/emotional support. So, without breaking you personally, how do you handle people who cross boundaries in your life and still uphold Christ's calling to love?

I found this blog, and it really broke things down better than I could ever put it:

BRETT'S BLOG: OUT OF BOUNDS: DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHO BREAK BOUNDARIES

BY BRETT BLUMENTHAL

Most people have a sense of what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to respecting boundaries. However, we are bound to find individuals who don’t. These people are abusive…and if we don’t deal with them properly, they will continue to break boundaries time and time again.

As much as we strive for healthy relationships, we inevitably encounter individuals who are bullies, toxic or just plain manipulative. Some of these people KNOW what they are doing, but often, most “just don’t get it:” They have little-to-no self-awareness and feel that they are fully entitled or appropriate in their behavior. And what’s worse is that they frequently get away with it because others don’t stand up to them. This enables boundary breakers and convinces them that their behavior is acceptable. Here’s a news flash: It ISN’T.

The best thing you can do is firmly establish boundaries. You’ll feel better about yourself and your relationship. Further, you won’t have to succumb to their inappropriate behavior over and over again:

Know Who You Are Dealing with: The first step in this process is to identify those individuals who don’t respect your boundaries. Doing so will keep you on the look-out for times that boundaries need to be reinforced or put into place.

Tune-in: Start paying attention to how these people typically break boundaries. Some questions to ask: Are they pushy? Do they ask questions you feel uncomfortable answering? Do they discuss things with you that are inappropriate? Do they disregard your wishes or needs? Do they always prioritize their needs before yours?

Trust Your Gut: If you aren’t sure as to whether or not a boundary is being broken, stop thinking and start feeling. Does something feel awkward, uncomfortable or wrong? Can you feel an adrenaline rush, but aren’t sure why? Do you feel nauseous during the discussion? At times, our guts have better listening skills than our ears. If you can feel a visceral reaction to the conversation at hand, you can be pretty sure that something isn’t right.

Think First, Speak Second: Once you realize boundaries are being broken, think about how you want to react. Reacting without thinking through your position and what you want as an outcome can lead to an unresolved situation, potential “room for discussion” or more broken boundaries down the line.

State Your Position: Tell the person who is breaking a boundary that they are indeed breaking a boundary. Sugar-coating it…hemming and hawing…playing nice…politely saying no…often doesn’t work with people who perpetually break boundaries. Unfortunately, many of these boundary breakers don’t have a clue as to the fact that they are crossing a line. The more obvious you can be, the better.

Don’t Back Down: If the person continues to push you on a topic, tell them the topic “isn’t up for discussion.” The more you stand your ground, the less likely the person will continue to try to push you on things in the future. No means no. Inappropriate is inappropriate. And, boundaries are boundaries.

The more you set boundaries, the easier it will get. Do you have boundary breakers in your life? How do you handle the situation?

This is a great list to go over, especially in the thick of conflict. I come from a long line of helpers, and we all have trouble putting boundaries around what we deem as "acceptable assistance." How much to we give? A little? A lot? Everything? Should we invite these individuals over all the time; can they drop in uninvited at their whim; if they are always 4 hours late, can we tell them that they are completely wasting our time and energy having to continually wait for them to show up? Where is the line we draw? If they ask for money because they have none for their children, do we give them $50, or do we give them thousands of dollars? (yes, really). How many times do we watch their kids? How many times do we move their house? How many times do we bail them out? Are we obligated to listen to their cyclical troubles, their constant complaints, their emotional roller coasters? "Seventy times seven," or can we allow ourselves to put boundaries on relationships?

Don Miller had a great blog post on this topic last month: "One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received was given to me by my friend Ben. We were taking a break from a writing project, sitting out on my deck when I brought up some trouble I was having with a friend. I’d grown a little tired of this friend using me and I was losing trust.

Ben said something I’d never forget, he said You know, Don, there are givers and takers in this life, I got rid of the takers years ago and I’ve had it for the better. I’d recommend you do the same. To be sure, this was reductionistic but Ben was making a general point. The point is this: Some people aren’t trustworthy. He’s right. And if we don’t believe that, I think we’re being naive.

I took Ben’s advice. I let the friend go and I’ve hardly talked to him since. I simply lost trust in him. There were too many lies, too many victim speeches, too much manipulation. It’s remarkable to me how some people can’t learn and can’t change. He’d had a track record of building communities only to hurt people, play the victim and then walk away and build another.

In early Christian communities, God Himself rid the community of liars and manipulators. Honesty and transparency in community are incredibly important. These days I have a filter against the kinds of people I’ll be close to. Here are three kinds of people I keep at a distance:

False Victims: If somebody identifies as a victim (even a strong pessimistic attitude toward life) I keep my distance. Sooner or later people who identify as a victim are going to paint you as an oppressor. Victims need to be victims of somebody, and you can count on it that that somebody is going to be you eventually. Believe it or not there are people who want to be victims because if they are victims they don’t have to take responsibility for their lives and they think they will attract help or a rescuer. Certainly you may wrong a friend, we all do, but you want friends who will talk openly and honestly about what you’ve done and make amends, not flop on the floor like a European soccer player. If somebody is overly victim-like, be careful.

Bullies: The quickest way to identify a bully is to notice what a person laughs at. Bullies do not laugh at themselves, they laugh at others. If somebody makes fun of others but isn’t self deprecating, they’re a taker and not a giver. Ever heard a loud-mouth political talk-show host make a self-deprecating joke? Most likely not. Bullies make great radio-show hosts, for sure. I keep my distance from people who can’t laugh at themselves and have zero friends who aren’t objective about themselves and others. There’s an entire Pandora’s box that goes along with this personality and I’m not interested. If you have friends who are bullies, it may be because they “protect” you in some way. I’d keep my distance all the same. Bullies protect others on the condition that others submit. That’s an unhealthy relationship. Get some strength and learn to protect yourself. You don’t need them to do that for you.

Overly Religious: I love people who have a sincere, open and honest faith. These are some of my favorite people. But when a person starts proof-texting using Bible verses about why they’re right and somebody else is wrong (even if it’s true) and I’ll keep my distance. This goes along with bullying, to be honest. It’s all about controlling others. When somebody’s faith helps them realize their own depravity and walk in honesty, I want them close, but when somebody uses religion to gain authority, I’m out.

All of this may sound calloused, but as we get older, we realize there are people in the world who refuse to mature. Maturity means we are honest, safe and transparent. A mature person understands their faults and admits to them. An immature person is looking for power in some kind of game.

If you want to be mature, surround yourself by mature people.

Every relationship, good or bad, leads to greater learning and understanding of yourself. How do you interact with others? How do you interact with yourself? How is your relationship with God? Are you manipulative with Him, or do you have conversations with Him? How can your relationships with others help you grow in your relationship with your husband/wife, kids, Jesus?

All this is food for thought, in the end, and some bits are tougher to digest than others. I am definitely still learning when to put up boundaries with people; but I am also learning how to more fully appreciate the healthy relationships I do have.

The Rabbit Trails That Bounce Away

This morning I posted a response in a forum, and went about my day without thinking about it much. Little did I know how many people would message me thank you notes about what I wrote (it's over400 by now...just absolutely mind blowing). I thought I'd bring my reply to here, just in case there was anyone else who would like to read it!

The question was along the lines of, "Am I expecting to much by wanting my wife to keep an orderly house?"

"This is going to be a really touchy subject. I battled with this for a long time (as a wife), and there isn't really a clear way to handle it. The thing is, at least for me, I had always worked before kids. I always went to college and worked and had this great purpose in life. And now my only job is laundry and dishes, and in my mind, none of it mattered. No one asks about projects I did anymore, no one talked to me about my purpose in life. Things just got really meaningless and depressing, and I just gave up after a while.

On one hand, you are absolutely correct with your position. You aren't asking too much, and she should have the house together.

But on the other hand, she's probably feeling extremely belittled with what she does all day. The things I did before I stayed home were real estate, art galleries, literature and poetry. And now I am in charge of mopping, which you can pay someone else to do. It's a huge step down on the social ladder, and you really feel it. EVEN THOUGH I wanted nothing more than to stay home and raise our kids...no one cares what you have to say anymore, because you're just a housewife. So, you just start giving up, and it reflects on your duties in the house...

The big change for me, which won't help you at all, was when I started homeschooling. It gave me a creative outlet and a greater purpose during the day, and I could take pride in talking about what I did for a living again. If you can restore this aspect in your wife, you will build her up and she will be able to work happily in what she does.

If you want something a little more pragmatic, try looking into flylady.com. She is annoyingly organized, but her simple task of "Shine your sink" helped me get a handle on cleaning the kitchen and not getting overwhelmed with the enormity of the dishes.

Also, help her break the situation down into edible bits. "Cleaning the house" is very different than "picking up the toys in the bathtub." There were many times I would just cry from being overwhelmed with the house, because where on earth do you start (fyi, you cannot answer that...just a head's up :) ). Just start with something small. Tidy the kids bathroom. Then that's done. Now just put the clothes in the kids room away. Just one thing at a time. Because the way her mind works, she's not only thinking about the clothes she's picking up, but do they fit still? Do you need to get new clothes by now? Do you need a better dresser to organize them? That reminds me, we have the clothes in the closet that haven't been hung up in a month, but we need more hangers. I need to go to Target and get more hangers. And while I'm at Target I need bananas, and we're out of bread, and I don't know what we're having for dinner tonight, but I'm not in the mood to cook, maybe I'll get something frozen.....

Women's minds are a million rabbit trails. If you can help her focus on just ONE thing without getting overwhelmed with a million things, or the future of the house, or her purpose in life in the universe...you're on a good track.

I hope this helps a little."

How Philosophy Class Messed Me Up.

Philosophy class should be as terrifying to people as clowns.

It can royally mess with your head. Because before you walk in to the class, you think: things are good. Pretty static. When you fall, you call down, not sideways. Life's good!

And then you learn about Philosophy, and your head explodes. Anything that is a fact is actually something that someone created/imagined up, and the details of the fact could change at any moment. You may turn green. It's possible!!

Ugh. Anyway, so philosophy is hard for some of us to handle. Ben reads philosophy like a duck on water: they just belong together. I take to philosophy like a labrador on lsd. It's not pretty, and people get hurt.

Fortunately, I healed after a while and I forgot about the big parts of the class upon which I wigged out. There was one example, though, which the professor was trying to get us to think bigger...and it just messed me up. It's not a big thing, so hold on:

He dropped the eraser once. And it fell. He picked it up and dropped it again. And it fell again. He picked it up and asked us if it would fall again? The answer was no.

Why was it no? It was no because it didn't have to fall. It wasn't destined to fall. Gravity caused it to fall...and that was a causation principle...but it didn't "have to" fall.

That messed me up for purely independent reasons. I was dealing with partial simple epilepsy seizures at the time, and I hadn't yet been diagnosed. I didn't even know at the time that they *were* seizures; I just knew that sometimes my mind went **poof** like dandelion seeds. So this idea that reality doesn't "have to" be constant was terrifying. After I got control over the seizures, the fear that bridges would suddenly disappear under me subsided. (whew...it wasn't that bad, it was just weird. For the record.)

However, the idea that reality could change always stuck with me. I don't have to be here. I could be somewhere else. I don't have to vote Republican. I could not vote at all. I don't have to watch TV, I don't have to listen to the radio, I don't have to read popular literature, I don't have to go to dive bars, I don't have to buy into the system.....I don't have to do anything.

Which is an interesting concept, if you think about it: I don't have to do anything.

So, if you start living with this idea, that you don't have to do anything, where do you start doing something? What motivates you do do something at all? Things, actions, relationships become much more deliberate with this force behind you. I don't have to listen to junk. I can listen to interesting things and people. I don't have to read drivel. I can read mind inspiring ideas. I don't have to go to groups. I can participate in intimate relationships with individuals, instead.

I can homeschool my kids, instead of having to send them to a school with which I don't agree. I can have a solid relationship with my husband, instead of relying on other people to fulfill my emotional needs. I can raise chickens in the city, instead of believing that I can't.

I remember when I was preparing to go to Beijing with Ben and the fam, there was a woman I was talking with at a fountain while our kids played in the water. She was nervous about moving somewhere, and it came up that we were on our way to Beijing soon. I will never forget what she said: "You can't do that. You can't go to China with your kids. You can't go!"

I can :) I can go, we can take our kids, and we can build a new future for our family. And not only did we, but we LOVED it. It was by far one of the most amazing things we have ever done!

Reality isn't fixed. We can change our situations, we can raise our kids better, we can have loving relationships with our spouses, we can support our huge family on one income, we can travel long distances with little kids, we can grow our own food, we can teach our own kids....we can be successful in life. And anyone who says differently isn't looking through the windows of opportunity life has built into the walls which frame our lives.

I am telling you, you can. And it has probably been done before...so it can't be that hard!

Raising Kids as an Introvert

If anyone I've ever met has gotten the impression that I was extroverted, I'll just credit to my amazing acting abilities.

Being an introvert and raising kids can be an enormous challenge sometimes. Not because of my relationship with them at all; that is just fine and they are amazing kids. It's just hard having playdates or inviting people over, or making the effort to get out of the house from time to time that is a little difficult.

GeekMom said in her blog: "It’s not easy being an introvert in an extrovert world." Tell me about it sister. There are groups for everything, from being a mom to being a parent to being an artsy woman to liking dogs to taking walks with your kids in a stroller. There are just groups for anything, and it seems like if you want to feel like you are leading a normal life, you should be involved with some groups. User groups, book studies, mom's groups, dinner parties, you name it. However...I am not exactly a group person. I don't mind *leading* a group, but that's because I have a ton of creative ideas that can be used, and being in front of a group doesn't exactly mean you are part of the group (leaders know what I'm talking about).

I was in my early thirties when I discovered that there were such beings as introverts, and that I was one of them. Suddenly, so much of my quirky, odd, misunderstood behavior had meaning. There was nothing wrong with me, it was simply that being around people drained my personal batteries. I wasn’t shy or lacking in self esteem or even anti social; I merely needed solitude to recharge. So much of my life and my own behavior became clear to me!

I, on the other hand, have known I was an introvert from an early age. I don't remember when, exactly, but I know in high school I was sure that I preferred to be alone most of the time. I was mislabeled "anti-social," which was unfortunate; but I was also competing with a similarly aged step-sister (at the time) who was a cheerleader. So that didn't help my defense much. I fully grasped how drained I became after ongoing social engagements, particularly family holidays which involved numerous houses and innumerous people amongst our fractured families. After three days of visiting 4 different families for Christmas, for instance, I found it took me about a week to recover from amazing physical fatigue. It felt like my abdomen had been crushed like a can, and it took a good amount of time to re-inflate myself.

So, now we have a few kids...and it's kind of important to get them around other kids/people. So how do you do this consistently, as an introverted parent?

Well, first and foremost I'm just going to say: when you're a parent, sometimes you have to suck it up and just get it done. In this matter, it's honestly more important that I make sure the kids are taken care of socially than it is for me to feel comfortable all the time. I do want to explore the issue to possibly find a good balance for all of us, but in the long run, I will put the kids needs first (in safe environments and circumstances, obviously) with this issue. But that's just basic parenting.

Quite simply, introversion is an explanation of where an individual draws their energy; from solitude or from the company of others. Those who recharge their batteries through solitude are introverts. Those who recharge by being with others are extroverts. These differences are hardwired into us and affect everything from how our memories work to how we process information, where we focus our attention, how we communicate and even how we use our bodies. Introverts are, in the words of Carl Jung, interested in “the inner life of the mind.” One of our kids is so clearly an introvert, it's funny to talk to him sometimes. We have to ask him what he is thinking about periodically just to get the inside out. Another is mostly extroverted, but it's not a large percentage. She very clearly draws energy from the company of others, and she enjoys having so many siblings around. She is a good leader, so she organizes tea parties, sleep overs in the house, play time outside, imaginary themes, and so on. She will gather them all up in her bedroom and direct very fun activities for everyone to participate in. And she isn't always the leader in the game: just the other day she was playing House with her brother and another girl at the park, and while the other girl was the mom, and her brother was the dad, she decided she was going to be the hamster. (true story)

The author, Chad Jones, is a husband and dad in Arizona. He is a self-described "lifelong introvert still learning to function in an extroverted world." has mentioned in his blog that, "being an introverted parent leaves me feeling a lot of guilt. I feel guilty when I take time to be by myself, because it's not always at an opportune time for my wife, or kids. "

The guilt factor is enormously true. Being an introvert, and living in an extroverted culture, leaves you feeling like you should have people over *constantly*. You should have your kids in groups 3-4 times a week. They should be involved in group activities all the time, which means you are going to be involved in group activities all the time. You can't just have your daughter in Girl Scouts and not be involved, or join Little League and never contribute. But as an introvert, these things can be painful after a while, and you need more and more time to recover...which sucks away time you could be spending with your family.

We have tried quite a number of groups, honestly. From church groups for the kids where they earn badges, to Girl Scouts (that was kind of cool until the Council fired our leader for disagreeing with their cookie policy. Also a true story.), to tap dancing to Mom's groups. Some were okay, everyone involved was very nice (except the Girl Scout experience, believe it or not); but they weren't really working for our family.

So here is another nugget of wisdom: don't have your kids involved in groups if your kids aren't enjoying them or getting anything from them. There was a group we had our kids in, and it was pretty nice. They looked forward to going when we went; unfortunately, our truck melted (yes, melted) and we're down to one car. Now, it is absolutely in our means to get another car. That' s not exactly a problem (would make the budget tighter, no doubt, but it's possible if we needed it). But we have gone almost 6 months on just one car, and it's working out just fine for now. Unfortunately, the one day Ben goes into the office is the one day this group happened. Consequently, we missed a few meetings. Eventually, namely after Christmas, we stopped going due to office days. And we noticed that the kids never asked about it. There were no friends they had made in the group they wanted to see, and they didn't know their teachers' names. So, we just decided to go to a Bible study at our church that night instead, and let the kids play with other kids in the next room instead of working toward badges.

Agree or disagree with this decision, it simply works for us right now. We're looking at future prospects for the kids when they get older (e.g., karate lessons, robotics clubs, tap dancing, etc), but we are also taking the stance of deciding what would be best for the kids at what point of their developments, and not pushing them into extroverted environments too often.

Again, "Unlike extroverts, introverts can become drained by too much interaction. They draw their energy from the inner world of thoughts, emotions, and ideas. states TheSucessfulParent. "They tend to be more contemplative and are likely to pursue solitary activities that allow them to work quietly and alone. If they do attend social functions or participate in group activities, they will need time alone to recharge themselves after leaving the group. They tend to leave parties early whereas the extrovert will stay until everyone else has gone home.

But more importantly: "Introverts prefer one-on-one or small group interactions. They are most comfortable with people they know well and enjoy in-depth conversations that focus on ideas, concepts, and reflective thought. "

Our family is high spirited, to say the least, but draw our energy from intimate relationships with few people, rather than on crowds or groups of people. So while it really is essential to have them comfortable in groups in order to learn how to work and play well with others, where they find their real source of identity is within themselves. I make a particular effort to spend one-on-one time with each child every single day, whether it is talking with them or playing with them, reading with them or working on a project with them. And with 5 kids, this can be a little challenging some days...but you figure that you have 24 hours in a day; you can make time for them. Now, I'm not saying to do *everything* with them or smother them with affection. That is clearly ridiculous. However, by letting them know they are heard specifically and that you are listening deliberately ensures that they will be able to grow internally with greater confidence, and this is enormously important for the developing introvert.

"The introverted child may enjoy some of the same activities as the extroverted child, but they will place more emphasis on self-exploration as opposed to self-expression. This is especially true in activities involving the performing arts (Saavedra, pp. 177-214):

Keeping a journal

Creative writing including stories, prose and poetry

Dramatic play

Painting, drawing, working with clay

Arts and crafts

Playing alone, especially imaginary play using toy figures, or playing school or store

Reading

Going to libraries and browsing or reading

Building things, doing puzzles, playing on computers

Pursuing or studying a single subject or idea in -depth

Spending hours alone in their rooms in solitary activity

Spending time with one or two good friends

Parallel play

I hate to copy such a big chunk of text from this blog, but it was so well put I can't resist: "

In thinking about which category your child falls into, you have undoubtedly considered your own temperament type as you've read through this article. This is important, not only in helping you to crystallize and confirm what you may already know about yourself, but also to help you understand differences or likenesses you and your child may have. If you are an introverted parent with an extroverted child, you most likely can feel drained by his constant need for your participation in activities down to the simplest thing as going through a new book. Conversely, if you an extroverted parent with an introverted child, you may be puzzled by her seeming need to be alone for periods of time, or her irritation when you are talking too long or engaging her in a lot of activities outside the home. What you can learn from either situation is to alter your strategies for dealing with certain kinds of behavior. Your new understanding of how your child draws in energy can aid you in setting up the best environments and activities for your particular child, as well as help you make some room in your schedule to attend to your own needs.

Enjoy your child for who they are, which is not always you :) But grow together with a more clear picture of where you want both of you to grow. "'Do not confine your children to your own learning for they were born in another time.' - Hebrew Proverb"

Even better put was from Mark Twain: "I was born excited." Be excited with your children, and you will both flourish in your fields :)

Golden Light

An old friend from Fremont needed a poem to perform at a women's conference in Portland, so she called me and asked if I could help her out. She said she liked it and was crying, so that's a good sign...especially since I haven't written much lately.

(I wish I knew how to format html better...there are actually blocks of text in here.)

When I dance

I dance in golden light.

My feet linger in the illuminated path

feeling the warmth penetrate all the way

up to my heart, and out of my mouth in song.

I found my dance in the shadow of my mother,

who gave me the gift of God’s light.

My dance was not always this way.

This golden light did not always beam

so generously upon my face.

I had already lived numerous, countless years

turning in my shoes of vanity

spinning in the light I could only see during the day.

This was not due to the turning of the Earth,

which could easily go on turning without me...

The world was simply dark

before my eyes grew accustomed to the light.

When I was a girl,

I wore my mother’s dancing shoes.

They were older, and worn, and beige.

They were the only shoes she had to wear

when she went out, beautifully, with my dad.

As I became a woman of my own,

my heart desired the beauty I saw in my mother.

The lavender grace that went before her through doors.

I bought colorful shoes, thinking they would usher me

through similar doors of grace;

dancing their way through life in shades of pink.

I wore them all through my days,

my years of dancing in the world:

the slow waltz of school,

the lazy serenade of romance,

the busy foxtrot of church,

and the confusing tango of me.

None of these shoes gave me the light

my mother possessed when she moved.

Nothing I could see

could shine so goldenly.

I had to remember before my dancing days

when I could still see the golden rays

bouncing off of daffodils and dandelions;

lighting the rooms, the world, my eyes

with the splendor of Heaven,

and the grace of His Spirit.

This was the light that surrounded my mother,

it was a light that could not come from any other.

I remember when I put my dyed dancing shoes away,

and finally felt the warm green grass again

on my cold bare feet,

which had been hidden away

in too many shoes.

I remembered how warm

was God’s light on my face

when I looked away from the world,

and looked up...

Journal Entry Mark 2 Point 1 4, 2 0 1 2.

I'm going to get lambasted by trekkers who critique my date. But I like living on the edge

So, in my life this week…I'm still trying to get my body back to "normal," and reminding myself that this won't happen in a week. It's even harder to get back to "normal," because I've been pregnant for the past 3 years...and that is 3 years of eating like a pregnant woman with sciatica who couldn't walk/exercise much for months. So I have a LOT of muscle to rebuild, and a few bad eating habits of which to rid myself. It's taking a while, but I'm getting there. This morning was 20 minutes of yoga and a mile walk with 5 kids and a dog.

I'm having Tylenol with my tea.

In our homeschool this week…we are still working with another family on Monday mornings going through Classical Conversation material. I can't entirely afford the program; I mean, I can but it's about $750 for 3 months in fall, 3 months in spring, for 3 hours one day a week..and there's no childcare, so I'd have to "sit quietly with the younger children" on the floor in the back until class is over. So, that's not happening. But the material is great! So we're doing it on our own in a little mini-CC meeting. We are planning a Science and History project with the kids, so I'm starting to map that out. I'm thinking another Geology project, but a little deeper. Then we could bring out our awesome rock/mineral collection boxes again :)

History I was thinking about making a map and putting the Greek/Roman Gods on it, and then having flip cards over the names so when you raise the card, it shows the planet from whom it is named. Maybe that can be another flour/salt/water map instead of a stand-up board....hmm...

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…Enchantedlearning.com is a great site I'm utilizing again. I have also printed out many math worksheets on http://www.superteacherworksheets.com/, which is AMAZINGLY helpful for elementary grade school levels. Nova is up to 4th grade spelling lists, thanks to this site :)

I am inspired by…mother's who don't freak out about their child's schooling. I fall under the tent of "We're not doing enough and we're not keeping up! We need more ideas and better ideas and we have to do them today!" I love finding mother's who are laid back and say things like, "They can Google who the 16th president is. I"m not worried." (it's Lincoln, but you should know that one)

Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…I haven't had a field trip yet this year, primarily because of the 1 month old in the house; but it's also just been too cold to get out much. So I'm trying to figure out when we can go back to the zoo....

My favorite thing this week was… getting caught up on laundry this weekend. Really, with the amount of people and oodles of trash bags full of hand-me-down clothes that we've been given over the years...there is a ridiculous amount of clothes to be washed. Right now everyone has drawers full of folded, clean clothes. I know this is small on the list of big accomplishments in the universe, but it's really nice to have laundry under control. It just gives me the feeling that I also have things under control. For now

Things I’m working on…I have a bunch of non GMO seeds for my garden that I am terrified to plant. It's hit or miss with growing things sometimes, and I really don't want to mess these up. I have a notebook and the seeds next to me so I can get a timeline going for them. But I REALLY want a harvest this year. Especially of tomatoes. But I also have new pink fabric with brown polka dots to make a vintage 50s apron. It is going to RULE.

I’m reading…Pinterest. Honestly, there are so many ideas in p/education and p/DIY Crafts. I'm also going through "Real Marriage," by Mark and Grace Driscoll, with Ben. I fell asleep during the last sermon, so we're a little behind

I’m cooking…all week. Got all my dinners lined up on the glass door in the kitchen, so we have green enchiladas, lamb (tonight), taquitos, chili, and a few other things I can't remember. Pressure cookers are AWESOME at getting good meals out quickly, and from scratch.

I’m grateful for…Provisions and Self-Control. Having provisions is great (no doubt), but it must be tempered with self-control so you can appreciate the provisions without complaining about what you don't have.

I’m praying for…guidance. I'm not sure where this year is headed, but we're trying to make some plans! What goals do we have for school, what projects do we have around the house, where are we going/learning/growing as a family.

A photo, video, link, or quote to share…Avocado Deviled Eggs. You're welcome.

Getting Out of the Bathrobe

To start this piece, I’ll just admit that I have been seriously AWOL on blogging for the past few months/year. I get a hermit-induced cave built around me in the latter stages of pregnancy, to the point that I am sincerely avoidant after the baby is born. There are a number of reasons why this happens: first off,I don’t feel particularly well being so gigantic, and I just get tired of “it all.” I get tired of feeling worn out, and I get tired of talking about how worn out I am. Ben can tell you best of all how unwilling I am to talk about my feelings. They are just an albatross around my maternity belt, and I go out of my way to wear extra-baggy clothes to hide the dumb bird.

So, that being said, I’m working on recovering both physically and emotionally. I am actually able to *walk* without being in stupid pain (stupid pain: (adj.) pain that is not detrimental to the body, nor is a symptom of any other underlying problem, but merely exists to cause pain because the baby is sitting on top of your spinal cord, and thus, all the nerve endings attached to said spinal cord). I am also working on getting out of the house and inviting people over to visit more often, which is helping in working me out of my hermit cave.

In doing so, I am also able to use my brain more....which is AWESOME! If you have ever heard a woman complain about “mommy brain,” I assure you it is real. Your body is so flooded with hormones and UFIs (unrecognized floating ideas) that you really can’t discuss anything lengthier than how long the wind blew that day: “A long time...? I think...?” I thoroughly enjoy thinking, so this period of unthinking is tedious and exhausting; because I still try to think, but halfway through trying to think about thinking...I lose my train of thought. This gets old quickly, I assure you. I have had to write lists of things I am actively doing around the house so I remember to finish the load of laundry that I put in the washer, but forgot to shut the door; finish unloading the ENTIRE dishwasher before getting sidetracked and making corndog muffins for the kids; brushing my teeth after I put toothpaste on my toothbrush, and not start reorganizing the closet behind me. Stuff like that. If you have been a pregnant woman, or have spent any time around one...you’ll know “mommy brain” when you see it. We just look lost, but busy doing something. While lost. It’s weird.

All right, so I’m getting back into reality, and I’m starting to read parenting blogs again. Cool. I am always open for new ideas. Except, my body isn’t entirely back to 100% yet, so I’m yelling at my computer....

Why do mothers have logos?! This just dawned on me the other night (which greatly amused, and kind of frightened, Ben). I’m reading these blogs with super hip graphics and vintage photos of mothers all tatted up in aprons wearing a bandana on their head, stirring a bowl of something while wearing converse shoes. I can assure you, they are all way cooler than me. I get this impression with every new page. The thing is, I am not intimidated by magazine pictures of size 0 women frozen in a moment of glamorous beauty: I really don’t get fazed by them. Firstly, it is their profession to look beautiful (not mine). Secondly, they’re all photoshopped on top of it. I have seen enough “before and after” shots of the pictures, and the pictures in magazines are illustrations of women, not pictures of women. So I’m not intimidated by that.

I am intimidated by mothers who have crew cuts, tattoos, groovy clothes and 3 kids. In a clean house. I hate pictures of houses that don’t have jelly streaks on beige shag carpet, or dust building up on the unused piano, or coffee rings on IKEA tables. I don’t know what they are doing with their time during the day, other than cleaning (and being groovy by molding old vinyl records into cereal bowls...but I am a craft junkie, so I look at those in painful admiration).

Now, we had to have our carpets cleaned last year, and the carpet guy spent a good amount of time trying to get the tempra paint out of our floors. I was a little bummed that I was responsible for making this guy break out his industrial spray bottles normally used to treat oil spills in Alaska; but Ben was very encouraging and noted that the stains were made by our creativity spilling over or mud tracked inside after the kids were building forts in the backyard. So, really, these stains showed me where our priorities were: certainly not with cleaning (although I am getting a LOT better at this), but with giving our kids projects to create and build and explore. And there will be some consequences from this, such as slightly stained carpets. But what would the consequences be if we preserved the carpets and kept our kids clean all day? Where would the 5 foot tall fort be built then, or the dandelion/grass/mud soup be cooked? Where would their pictures of gnomes and transformers be painted? Not in my home, and not on my carpets...and what a shame that would be. I can buy new carpet eventually. I can’t buy Nova’s 8 year old period of painting back, or rebuild Glenn’s imagination. Those are our priorities. (end tangent)

So, back to logos. I guess I can’t be too upset with all the amazing graphics on websites. We were created to see, and we love to see things that are interesting...so inherently, there is nothing wrong with jazzing up your webpage. The thing that got me was that mothers had logos. And I was just thinking that it seems like mothering used to be something that we did, and now it is something that we market to each other. Mothering blogs have taglines now. It’s just...different, and I’m working with that. Because it feels like if you have a logo or a tagline, you are trying to convince the reader that this person has value...and I am already firm in my value of myself. Perhaps in the back of my mind is the seed of doubt which might suggest to me that if these mothers have more value with a logo, that mothers without a logo and a catch phrase have less value. Something silly like that, but if you’re human you know these little silly ideas can be the small trickle of a stream that might eventually take down a forest by the roots. I think this is the bottom of my logo-hate.

Beside all this, though, brings up the most interesting thing I have noticed with the blogs recently which is the language. I am not an advocate of Puritanical speech, by any means. I absolutely have my moments of verbal piracy, with the childhood phrases of “yars” and “down the hatch with ye” turning into...more colorful versions (we’ll just say). But when do parents mature, exactly?

“9 Things I Learned In The Parent Encouragement Program, AKA Shitty Parents Anonymous”

This is known as “edgy parenting”. This is a parent who goes to the same classes and buys the same Target sippy cups as everyone else, but they swear in their blogs to be above typical parenting (I’m guessing). It’s edgy and modern, and it assures the reader that “this isn’t your parents’ blog.” I’m actually okay with this, and it is honestly a nice break from some of the typical reading I see, where every child is a delicate flower and you are the humble gardener....stuff like that. So I don’t mind a little grit in my day. However, there is a pretty big difference between “a little grit” and “I. Am. IronMom.” :

“Accept that your children are going to do annoying shit.”

“Never get locked into a power struggle...Because now you're in a power struggle with a kid, and you won't want to lose because you won't want them thinking you're a pussy, and they won't want to lose because, hey, what's an hour wasted to them?”

“Never do for a kid what a kid can do for him or herself. This was the big one. Sometimes, your kids will stand there for eight hours before they brush their teeth and you're just like FUCK IT, and you grab the brush and assault their mouth because it's EASIER to do things for them.”

“No drive-by parenting. You have to get down face-to-face with your kids to ask them to do shit. You can't stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell at them to stop fisting the dog. They won't give a crap. Dog-fisting is too much fun.”

These were just a few examples from one page. The dog fisting metaphor was really the straw for me. But I am finding, in general, if you want to be an edgy, hipster parent who is cool and awesome and has the best hand-made paper garland headbands for your two year old daughter...you are going to swear and your are going to use weird metaphors which you would normally reserve for adult conversations.

So that’s when I thought: when do parents grow up? When do we stop using inappropriate language and humor to describe parenting, and start using more mature language to describe what we do for a living? Are we going to be “fisting the dogs” and complaining about “stupid shit” our kids do, or will we grow up and be leaders of our households, instead of just another kid who complains about having to do the dishes every night?

Do we mature when we are adults?

There was another blog I was browsing which had a big topic on having to get dressed nicely in order to take kids to preschool.

“And then I dutifully changed out of my pajama pants, put on a pair of workout pants, because everybody knows that workout pants are like Manhattan and pajama pants are Brooklyn in the world of pants without zippers, pulled on a hoodie, fixed my hair, snatched my flip flops and walked out the door. I do this almost every morning that I take my son to school, and every day I secretly hope to see some mom who has decided to break our self imposed “no pajama pants” dress code.”

And at the end of a long list of comments of mothers who admitted they also, secretly, hated getting dressed when they dropped their kidlets off at school, there was a voice of reason (no, it wasn’t mine) who reminded everyone that in order to be good role models for their kids, they also must dress for the part. You wouldn’t take a CEO seriously if he was in purple sweatpants, and your kids shouldn’t take you seriously if you never get dressed either.

Now....I am writing this in kick-around clothes. I’m not saying you should be a fashion nazi about this. I’m just suggesting an “overall demeanor” of authority. There has to be balance in life between relaxing and working.

Under the umbrella of our position as mothers, though, it is our responsibility to be the role model for our kids first, and our appearance and behavior will guide them into becoming an adult who is cognizant of their own appearance and behavior; as opposed to adults who are completely unaware that their behavior could be obnoxious or at all unpleasant, for instance.

Role models and social influences are a big deal for your kids. Your kid will emulate their surroundings, so it is pretty crucial to be selective with what/who is around them. This is not only for how the child responds acutely, but also in the future how their influences and role models will shape whom they will become later. And some ideas will change over time, and some will take you by surprise. When I was in high school, The PowerPuff Girls were AWESOME. So I played a few episodes for my daughter, because it was like, empowering...and stuff. So, ya. I’ll just cut to the chase and say that The PowerPuff Girls are banned in my house. But Ninja Anime isn’t. It just depends on what you want your kids to focus on that will determine what you will and won’t allow around them.

This means sometimes you shelve certain language for certain times, and you put on some unwrinkled clean clothes on to take the kids to the park, and you display some good maturity to pass along to your kids as their primary role model.

But, in the long run, if you are parenting deliberately and not randomly, you’ll probably raise good kids anyway. I’m sure you already knew that

I-Can't-Believe-It-Worked-Baked Beans

I am totally convinced that I can make anything I used to buy in a can, by myself. If a machine can do it, I can do it. The other day I was looking at my pantry and trying to think what else I could make with beans, other than refried beans (which I have seriously and thoroughly mastered).

What about baked beans? I haven't bought baked beans in ages because it just doesn't last that long. One can can feed about two people for lunch...and although that is a great deal economically, it just doesn't get much bang for the buck in my opinion.

So I looked up the recipe online, and I found one that didn't involve any canned foods. You know the recipes that say "made from scratch" but they use canned beans, canned chili, canned soup? That's not from scratch, that's from a can. I want to make dinner from SCRATCH baby.

So here is what I did....and it isn't going to be the same process I will use next time, but this will give you an idea of how easy this recipe is.

First, the ingredients I was supposed to use were these:

1 cup dried navy beans 4 cups water 1/4 cup ketchup 1/4 cup maple syrup 2 tablespoons brown sugar 2 tablespoons molasses 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper 1/8 teaspoon chili powder 1 small onion, chopped

However, I didn't have everything I needed. And I am a little too busy to do all the "Cover, and bake in the preheated oven for 10 minutes, then reduce the heat to 200 degrees F (95 degrees C), and cook 6 hours longer" kind of stuff. So here is what I did:

I took a bag of navy beans, 1/2 cup of lentils and 1/2 cup of split peas (just for some variety in flavor and texture. Why not?). Boiled them for an hour in a pot of water until the top was very frothy....this breaks down the beans and you don't get gas. Yes, this really works. You could also soak them in a covered pot of water overnight, but I was in a rush.

So you drain and rinse the beans, then throw them in a crockpot and add 1 chopped yellow onion, garlic powder, kosher salt (Cheers, Alton Brown), pepper and maybe a little paprika or chili powder (just a little). Then take a pork roast and throw it in the middle. Go ahead...just throw it in. Now cook for the day, and you should be ready for the next step.

Here is where I deviated. That night we were just bushed, and it was a long day and we needed to get out of the house. So I just turned the crockpot on low and we went out to chinese food. We came home and I put the food in a bowl and put the bowl in the freezer. Because that was the only place that I had room enough for this sucker. Two days later I got the courage to take the bowl out and defrost it. So this is how I finished the recipe:

You spoon the beans and onions into a huge sauce pan (not a pot). I had a ton of beans, and I actually filled 3 mason jars for later use (and put in the fridge). I then realized that we are out of ketchup. No worries! I put in a can of tomato paste and some white vinegar instead. Then I added 4 tablespoons brown sugar, 2 tablespoons molasses (except I didn't have molasses, so I used honey), 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce (I might have added more...I just kept pouring), 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper, 1/8 teaspoon chili powder.

First I boiled all the beans in the saucepan to get them going. Then I put them in a silicone bread pan (it was the only thing I had clean) and baked it for about 20 minutes or so. In the meantime, I put the pork in the pan with a little bit of the beans, and just heated it up a bit.

But here's the thing: when all was said and done, they were the best tasting baked beans I have ever had. They were just PHENOMENAL. And I could eat about 1/2 cup of them, along with a small piece of pork. They were just astoundingly filling! It always amazes me how much more filling actual food is. I don't know what manufacturers do to their food, but food from scratch is hearty. Seriously hearty. And this is coming from a heavily pregnant woman. Plus, a 7 year old, a 6 year old, a 2 year old and a 14 month old ate every bite I gave them. And Ben LOVED it.

So that's what I did! It is an amazing recipe, and I would encourage anyone to try this!